Reddit Post Overview
A couple's 4-year-old son is peeing on the carpet and his parents' bed when he is upset. The trigger is usually when he is told "no" to something he wants. Initially, his parents told him that peeing on the carpet or bed is not okay and that pee goes in the potty. The behavior continued, and recently, their son peed on the bed because his dad wouldn't make him a snow cone. His parents are wondering what gave him this idea and how should they handle it.
The community response was swift. Most agreed that making the boy clean it up would help correct the behavior. Some think adding another consequence like "no snow cones" for a week is a good addition. The "no snow cones" suggestion was a bit controversial, with some Redditors believing that it would make the situation worse.
Another Redditor pointed out that she learned the hard way that de-escalation and prevention should be the priority, not consequences or punishment. Some agreed with her and others stuck to the theory that there needs to be natural consequences. One Redditor even asked if the boy could have gotten the idea from a cat because he had a cat that used to pee on stuff in retaliation.
A More In-Depth Look
I took a look at Dr. Laura Markham's article in Psychology Today that was published back in 2016 but is still relevant. She believes that spanking and sticker charts don't work on this behavior because it doesn't get to the root of the problem. Dr. Markham believes that peeing behavior is a normal passive-aggresive way for kids to express anxiety, anger, and other big feelings that they don't know how to express in a healthy way.
Dr. Markham says that spanking a child who has been peeing on things, while understandable, is only teaching them to solve problems with violence and could lead to that child hitting others. She also says that putting a young child in timeout can trigger abandonment issues because you are not helping that child with his/her emotions but telling them that they are on their own to manage them (i.e. you are staying in timeout until you can control yourself).
My Personal View
Thankfully, my 5-year-old has not done this; however, he has had other difficult behaviors. I completely agree with the "no spanking" theory. Spanking only instills fear and reinforces violence. I do disagree with the "no timeout" theory. If used with natural consequences, timeout can be effective. I also constantly tell my son, even when he isn't in trouble, that I will love him no matter what. When he is in trouble, I remind him of this and tell him that his actions have consequences. I also am honest with him about my emotions. If he has done something that makes me mad, I will tell him that his "bad behaviors have made me angry." I won't just pushed past my emotions, I acknowledge them and hopefully show him a better way to handle emotions in general.
If he were to do something like peeing on the bed or carpet as revenge for me telling him "no," this is how I would handle it. First, I would absolutely make him clean as much of it up as possible. Then I would tell him since we had to take all that time to clean it up, now we can't do XYZ. XYZ being something fun we either had planned for the day or could have done. In the case of doing it because of snow cones or similar, I would tell him that he could have had a snow cone after supper, but now he can't because of his bad behavior.
It's important to say bad behaviors so that he knows it's his behaviors that are bad and not him. I've also taught him some calming breathing techniques and I've taught him to hold tight to a stuffed animal if he feels himself getting out of control. The more out of control he feels, the tighter he should hold it. I also ask him, later on after he has calmed down, what he thinks would help him stay calm the next time. Usually, he says that music and lullabies help him calm down. I don't just tell him what to do, I also ask him for his input on what would help him.
Additional Resources
Websites that have some interesting information:
Books that I have read to my son to help him learn about his emotions:
Please feel free to leave comments below. All opinions are welcomed here as long as you are respectful.
No comments:
Post a Comment